“Princess A the Bathtub PooperSometimes likes to disguise herself with bubble beards

Reward: One Happy Mom

As a mom I now feel like I am a foreigner in a new country who doesn’t speak the language. Sometimes I feel like The Husband and I don’t even speak the same language. It’s hard for me to hang out with my closest friends because they don’t get me either. The only people who speak the same language as me now are other moms. And not just moms… moms that take care of their own kids and are honest!

This sometimes makes me feel isolated and angry. Why doesn’t everyone understand how much work, planning, and minute to minute detail it takes to run a family every day? Don’t they know that if Princess A doesn’t eat dinner by 5 she poops in her sleep and then can’t fall back to sleep and if Freckles doesn’t eat by 5 he doesn’t poop on his 6 o’clock walk so he starts barking like a rabid dog at 10 o’clock and has to wait till The Husband gets back from work at 1 am to relieve himself???

Once The Husband leaves for work at night I can’t leave the apartment and before I put Princess A to bed I always ask myself “Has Everyone Pooped?”

Lots of people say to me “Why do you put your baby to bed so early?”, “Can’t you keep her up later?”, “How did you get her on a schedule?”, or my favorite “Your daughter sleeps too much”. What they don’t realize is I had no choice in the matter. Amelia is a better baby if she is in bed by 7 and she wakes up at 6:45am no matter what time she goes to bed. So I put her to bed at 7pm so I can have some me time and she can get a full nights rest. I would love to have a baby that could sleep in till 11am and stay up late without flipping out but that’s not how Princess A is.

More importantly, I like that she sleeps this much. During her naps I collect myself or nap as well. The last thing I want to do is entertain people during her nap time. Mothering is the only job where you don’t get breaks and you are expected to be happy about it. Some days I find myself so angry with people that I want to form a mom union and demand that we get lunch breaks, coffee breaks, and paid vacation days. But then I wonder who would take care of the babies during these times and I realize my plan is a mere fantasy. If a company worked an employee as hard as babies work moms they would be sued for some kind of labor law infringement.

Here is my daily schedule. Whether I have a good day or a bad day depends on if everyone has pooped at the appropriate time in the appropriate places.

6:30- I wake up eat breakfast, drink my coffee and get ready for anther day with my lovable monsters. But if Princess A was given her dinner or bottle late she wakes up at 6am to poop and I don’t get this much needed alone time.

7am- On a good day this is when Princess A wakes up and has breakfast. It is hard for Freckles to wait to be walked in the morning because he can’t eat until he has had his morning poop. Then we walk Freckles so he can finally poop and hopefully Princess A poops too so she can enjoy her nap.

9am- I put Princess A down for her nap. She usually tries her best not to nap from 9-9:30 then falls asleep until 10:30. UNLESS, she didn’t poop before her nap which means she will wake up from her nap early to poop and be very cranky.

10:30am- Princess A gets her snack and we walk Freckles so he can poop and pee.

12pm- Princess a gets lunch or as she calls it, “Throw food at Mommy time”. Hopefully she poops before her next nap.

1pm- Princess A babbles, screams, and crawls around her crib trying not to nap.

1:30pm- Princess A finally looses the war to sleep and takes a long nap unless of course she didn’t poop before. If this is the case, she poops during her nap and is cranky for the rest of the day

3pm- Snack time

3pm-5pm- This is our family fun time where we do various things like walk in Central Park, go to shows, or have friends over. This is the perfect time to do stuff because no one has to eat or poop during this time.

5pm- Freckles and Princess A both eat dinner in hopes that they poop at the right time.

5:45pm- I walk Freckles and pray that he poops.

6pm- Hopefully Princess A has pooped between dinner and now. If not there is a chance she will poop in the tub.

7pm- Princess A gets her bottle, screams and talks like a crazy person, then falls asleep and stays asleep until 6:45am. Unless of course, she didn’t poop after dinner or in the tub. Then she poops in the middle of the night and it takes her about 2 hours to fall back to sleep.

See I am not lying. My quality of life really depends on poop. I hope this post helps people understand my world a bit more and when I start to get nervous about going off schedule it’s not because I am crazy it’s because I don’t want to deal with a cranky baby, a barking dog, or a bathtub full of poop.

Stay Glamorous,



10 responses to “HAS EVERYONE POOPED?

  1. How well I remember my life revolving around poop. I too started with one child and a dog and the poop schedules. Then added another child who insisted on his own schedule. The hell with the perfect schedule already in place. Nightmares! But all survived until the insane teen years and you are looking at your bratty kids and find yourself wondering if they have pooped recently and knowing if you asked them they would put you out of your misery. Which at times when dealing with teenagers, can be very tempting. Hang in there, stay on schedule and be happy.

  2. Oh my poor … I’ll be honest with no children (yet) I am between laughter and tears. Don’t hit me, please !
    I want to cry because I understand your lack of raconaissance. Many of my friends are mom and I kept my goddaughter often enough to understand this crazy schedule.
    But I laugh too, because with your words i feel a weariness, exasperation … It’s hard for me to explain it because I don’t speak English well enough … sorry.
    Hang in there, be happy it’s the most important !

  3. Aww, sweetie I feel for you. If a poop schedule is what you have to keep to make life smooth, keep with it. My son is 6 and has had constipation all his life. Within the last year I had to take him to the doctor because he would randomly throw up once every three weeks or so. I thought something was seriously wrong, why else would your kid randomly puke? He was constipated. We even got xrays to be sure. I find it amazing the pride and sense of accomplishment that comes with regularity. I guess that is what motherhood does to you.

  4. And this is why I keep coming back for more! I too remember when our dog and our baby ran on poop schedules, got angry with other parents for being fake or nitpicking everything I would do and then there were the jeqlous ones who would get uptight and live like it was some sort of competition. Pre-babies we had hot coffe, post babies they turn cold and we had to just suck it up. I’m with you girl, we need a union STAT! Oh well we can dream can’t we?

  5. Yep. Remembering a time I thought I could relax. Then it was like a domino effect. Everybody, kids & dogs, had to poop at the same time. I think I was the one that almost puked. Then, just as the dust was settling, I got peed on. Poop, puke and pee. Yep. Covered it all.

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